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Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Bike Locking to the Letter

BAM has frequently referred to itself as Brooklyn’s home for adventurous artists, audiences, and ideas. But that hasn’t stopped foreign dignitaries and local hipsters alike from asking the question, “how adventurous could BAM really be if it doesn’t have two big blue bike racks that can spell things?”

For years, we simply avoided the issue, quietly embarrassed that we could easily land artists like Merce Cunningham and underwater productions of B├╝chner's Woyzeck yet only provide cyclists with boring grey bike racks that aspired to spell nothing (a "U" at most?). But as we reported earlier, those days are done now, thanks to David Byrne. “PinK cRown” and “micRo liP” are here. They are blue, they know all the words to "Crosseyed and Painless," and they are awesome.

Below, we offer a few ways to—and not to—lock your bike to "PinK cRown" and "micRo liP."

The Classic (Good)

Practical, functional, and unassuming, just like a plain slice to go. Use it in all the obvious places, excepting the "i" and "l" (see below).

The Slip-Up (Bad)

As you can see, certain letters pose challenges to the effectiveness of The Classic. The "i" in particular—seemingly so secure in its bearings, so resolutely vertical—is to be handled with care. Dimmer thieves might not notice, but around is not the same as through with this little number. Thread the needle and you should be fine.

The Backdoor (Good) 

Slyly innovative, The Backdoor thumbs its nose at conservative Y-axis-only thinking to utilize the spaces between. The secret is the combination of the rack's thinness and its proximity to the Peter Jay Sharp Building. Use it when the rack is full, or when you want to protect the paint on the dearer of your Huffys. It won't be pretty getting your bike back there, but pretty gets bikes stolen.

The Dangler (Bad)

In the event of a full rack and the sudden inexplicable disappearance of all street sign posts, metal gates, and other secure metal structures in the neighborhood, don't resort to The Dangler. You should turn around and go home because the world is probably about to end anyway. An ostentatious show of bike virility when used on an empty rack and dangerous gamble when used on a full one, The Dangler is sure to come crashing down on someone's two-wheeled hopes and dreams.

The Threesome (Good)

If you're planning on coming to BAM with friends, consider utilizing the luxuriously roomy and expansive middle of the "M." The veritable three-car garage of "MicRo liP," the "M" helps to save space elsewhere on the rack while preventing that disruptive "hold that thought, let me go get my bike" moment that could steal the thunder from your argument for early Philip Glass music over late.

The Thin Thread (Bad)

Yes, Ingmar Bergman's movies are sad. But if you're already in this state before you see the film, you probably shouldn't be seeing them in the first place. We guess. Actually, does it really even matter anymore?

The Toaster (Good)

We have no idea when you'd need to use The Toaster, but there must be some occasion for it, and we wholeheartedly endorse this move when there is. Consider using it from the back side of the rack when the front is full and several instances of The Backdoor (see above) are in effect. We're not sure how you'll actually achieve this expert move, but we believe in you, ever-intelligent BAM audience member.

The Misanthrope (Bad)

For those of you who don't believe in karma, consider The Misanthrope. You won't think for a second that it will get the air let out of your tires or pointedly worded post-it notes affixed atop your newly oiled Brooks saddle—particularly when the rack is full during rain storms. In all seriousness, consider The Misanthrope an affront to biking decorum everywhere. Nay, an affront to BAM.

The Over-Thinking It (Knock Yourself Out)

Agreed, the new bike racks aren't business as usual. But don't make this more complicated than it needs to be.

Note: Many of the locking techniques featured above only secure the frame to the bike rack. For the best results, be sure to secure your frame and both of your wheels! 

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